Philadelphia Eagles at Pittsburgh Steelers: I shared a kennel at the Washington Animal Rescue League with some of Mike Vick’s dogs. Steelers by 456,222.

Arizona Cardinals at St. Louis Rams: Ken Whisenhunt stole Chuck Norris’s money, and Chuck thanked him. Cardinals by 10.

San Diego Chargers at New Orleans Saints: We’re going to need a cleanup on aisle 4, the Chargers are about to crap themselves. Saints by 14.

Tennessee Titans at Minnesota Vikings: I went to Tennessee once. I peed on Graceland. They’ve never invited me back. It was worth it. Vikings by 14.

Miami Dolphins at Cincinnati Bengals: Sometimes I feel bad for Bengals’ fans. Then I wake up. I hate that nightmare. Dolphins with the upset.

Baltimore Ravens at Kansas City Chiefs: One time I bit a squirrel and spit out the halves, either of which has a better chance of beating the Ravens than the Chiefs. Ravens by 16. (no squirrels were harmed making this blog…but I tried)

Atlanta Falcons at Washington Redskins: Matt Ryan’s having delusions of grandeur. RG3PO has the cure. Redskins by 4.

Cleveland Browns at NY Giants: The Browns are better this year…better than a sack of horse vomit. Giants by 25.

Seattle Seahawks at Carolina Panthers: What’s the difference between Cam Newton and Terrell Owens? Not much. Not much. Seahawks by 3.

Chicago Bears at Jacksonville Jaguars: Jay Cutler looks like an ugly Baldwin. That’s bad. Still, it’s a whole lot better than the Jags. Bears by 10.

Denver Broncos at New England Patriots: Isn’t Manning long in the tooth? I mean, how’s he get those choppers in his facemask? Patriots by 4.

Buffalo Bills at San Francisco 49ers: The Bills are inconsistent. They need some Metamucil or fiber or something. 49ers by 12.

Houston Texans at NY Jets: I’d say the Jets are almost as bad as Nickleback, but nothing’s that bad. Except Jerry Jones. Texans by 13.

Green Bay Packers at Indianapolis Colts: If you think the Colts have a chance, you're crazier than Luck's attempts at facial hair. Pack by 20.

Mr. Luck, this isn't a beard
This is a beard

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